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Ostap Bender. Grand Strategist, Smooth Operator

Contacts

• Phone: +49 12345
• Email: ostap.bender@example.com
• Current Location: "Somewhere between Moscow and Rio de Janeiro" (flexible)
• LinkedIn: linkedin.com/ostap-bender
• Github: github.com/the-great-combinator
• Citizenship: self-proclaimed "Citizen of the World" (with particular interest in Brazil). Former Turkish subject (when convenient)

Objective

Seeking a position that capitalizes on my exceptional talents in creative financing, motivational leadership (of myself), and large-scale project management (preferably involving other people's money).

Work Experience

Self-Employed Genius, Various Ventures (1918 - present)

• Masterminded 400 lawful (debatable) paths to wealth.
• Chair-based treasure hunting
• Railway carriage entrepreneurship

Executive Consultant, "The Golden Calf Acquisition" (05.1930 - 03.1931)

• Located and valuated hidden assets worth 10 million rubles
• Organized secure transportation (unsuccessful)
• Key achievement: Proved that money can't buy happiness (but didn't get to test this thoroughly)

Chief Visionary Officer, "The New Vasyuki Chess & Spa Resort" (08.1927 - 09.1927)

• Designed ambitious urban development plan (on napkins)
• Conducted successful IPO (Imaginary Public Offering)
• Reason for leaving: Unexpected train departure

Skills & Expertise

• Persuasion: Convinced an entire city to fund a chess revolution.
• Financial Planning: Excellent at spending, less so at saving.
• Survival Tactics: Thrives on optimism, charm, and one good suit.
• Multilingual: Fluent in Russian, Turkish (when needed), and Legal Loopholes.

Achievements

• Almost became a Brazilian citizen (paperwork issues).
• Survived multiple "career transitions" without steady employment.
• Inspired countless imitators (all inferior).

Weaknesses

• Overestimates the honesty of business partners.
• Occasionally distracted by grandiose dreams (e.g., Rio de Janeiro).
• Unresolved rivalry with Alexander Koreiko (mutual).

References

• Kisa Vorobyaninov – "He stole my chair… but I admire his hustle"
• Shura Balaganov – "Taught me the value of teamwork (and escape routes)"
• The 12 Chairs – "One of them had treasure. The rest were a letdown"

P.S. No checks, please. Cash in a suitcase preferred.